I will...

When a child is constantly defined by a parent (ie. You're so stupid.), he or she endures an ongoing sense of rejection. Because this abuse is so painful, and the child's need to be accepted is so great, he or she may try to gain the rejecting parent's love and acceptance by emulating his or her behavior. If this occurs, the child will TRY not to feel, not only to escape his or her painful feelings of total rejection, but also to be acceptable to the parent who doesn't show feelings or who puts down people who do show them.

Did you know that if we are taught to doubt ourselves, or to distrust inner knowledge in general, we may pay no attention to this knowledge? We may hardly notice sensate experience: "How did I get that bruise?" Or block our feelings: "I've never liked this kind of work, so why did I take this job?" Or disregard an intuitive warning: "I knew I shouldn't have gone in there."

The above are excerpts from the most recent book that I am reading, titled, "Controlling People." Tragically, the above is the training that I have received while growing up as a child. I am now 31 years old, and I am just now realizing how "backwards" I really am. I'm realizing that I never really and truly knew myself. I didn't know my own feelings, intuitions or even sensations. I never felt strong, in fact I always found myself searching for people who made that seem more real to me.

People who have been treated in ways like this, being told what they want, what they feel, and so on, are usually unsure of themselves, their experience and what all of that means to them. I felt totally and completely disconnected from myself. That is the best explanation of how I was. I felt like a walking robot who, instead of making myself happy, did things to make everyone else happy with me or at least happy enough to avoid a confrontation.

This year has been a year of self-realization for me. I'm sure it is the first year of many, as I know that it will be a long journey. I am here now, holding my head high, and more confident about myself than I ever have been. I am learning how to have feelings other than just anger. For a long, long time, anger is the only feeling that felt real to me. Who wouldn't feel anger, if they weren't doing what made themselves happy? Or even better, who wouldn't feel anger if you didn't even KNOW what it was that made yourself happy?

I will no longer hold back my tears when I am sad. I will no longer hide my laughter or enthusiasm when I am happy. More importantly, I will no longer live how someone else wants me to be. I want to be me, I want to be a great Mom, a great friend, and a great partner. I want to have hobbies, skills, and things that I'd like to have skill in but am too darn clumsy to be able to have skill in - but be OK with and accept that.

Most of all, I will be true. It is the most AMAZING feeling to actually know what that all means.

It's AWESOME to find little notes like this on my fridge to help lift my spirits and see my goal staring me right in the face!